Epic Movie Zero Stars
Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Written by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Kal Penn as Edward
Adam Campbell as Peter
Jayma Mays as Lucy
Faune A. Chambers as Susan
Jennifer Coolidge as White Bitch
Crispin Glover as Willy
Darrell Hammond as Captain Jack Swallows
86 Minutes(Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual humor, language and some comic violence.)
Here we are, just a few weeks into the new year, and the year's worst movie has already been handed to me on a silver platter. "Epic Movie" is not only the years worst, but one of the worst of the entire millennium-an embarrassment for the directors, writers, the actors, and even anybody ever involved in the spoof genre, period. I did not laugh a single time in any of it's short amount of minutes, and what saddened me was that a lot of the audience(mostly kids ages ten to twelve) couldn't stop laughing. It is upsetting to see that the youth of America finds this humorous, and it's box office paves the way for Friedberg and Seltzer to try their hands at another spoof movie-and then to fail yet again. It is times during movies like this where I am grateful that I can see them for free, for if I wasted a single solitary cent on this drivel it would be too much.
"Epic Movie" is a spoof movie, so of course the plot doesn't have to have any rhyme or reason. Just as long as they throw in enough witty and clever gags based on some movies of late is usually enough. But the biggest problem here is that none of the gags are funny let along being clever or witty. We start off meeting four orphans. There is Lucy, whose uncle was just killed in a museum(The Da Vinci Code?). She follows a bunch of clues to a vending machine where she finds a Wonka bar, and wins a Golden Ticket(Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?). The next orphan is Edward, who lives in a Mexican orphanage, and wants to one day be a lucha libre wrestler(Nacho Libre?). He is kicked out of the orphanage, but on his way out he finds a Golden Ticket. And then there is Susan, who is on a plane only to find it filled with poisin snakes(You can guess that one. . .) She is thrown out of the plane by Samuel *goddamn* Jackson, and lands on Paris Hilton, who had a Golden Ticket in her purse. And finally there is Peter, a mutant who is often tormented by the others(X-Men, maybe. . .?) I can't remember how he finds his ticket, and I don't really care. Anyway, the four orphans head to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, only to find out that he is a madman, and plans on taking actual limbs from the children and putting them in the chocolate. He stashes them away in a room, and when Lucy escapes she finds a magical wardrobe which takes her to the land of Gnarnia(changed for legal purposes) which is under the reign of the evil White Bitch, and the orphans have to band together to try and stop her, and save Gnarnia. . . whatever.
In a spoof movie, the plot shouldn't matter, and Friedberg and Seltzer take that to heart. Nothing really makes sense, but it shouldn't. But they've decided to load their script with some of the worst attempts at humor imaginable. I almost want to see it again just so I could count the number of times people get hit in the head and private areas, and how many times they trip and fall-because the number would be in the double, and maybe even triple digits. They weren't making fun of the movies they wanted to satire, they were just dressing actors up in the same outfits, and then having them get hit in the head. It really isn't funny to see Nacho Libre eat Nacho Cheese Doritios, or Magneto getting hit in the end with a giant piece of metal. And so many of the characters ended up dancing to rap songs-that happened at least three times.
Perhaps the only actor who did a decent job was Darrell Hammond as Captain Jack Swallows(Pirates of the Caribbean?. . . get his name. . .ha). He managed to do an actually decent impression of him, and got pretty much the same vocal qualities. But then again that's what he does for a living. He did impressions on Saturday Night Live-of course he's the only decent one here. Everyone else, especially all of the four main characters, are horrible, and should be kicked out of Hollywood for having this on their resume. For some reason I get the idea that this writing/directing team, also responsible for the horror that was "Date Movie" last year, think that they are actually being clever and witty, and find that they are reaching new ground with the spoof genre. Sadly, I think the spoof genre is officially dead, even though it was never brought to life that highly. I could imagine Friedberg and Seltzer in front of their computers, proud of themselves that they are making connections in all of the plots to these so called "epic movies." It seems that they haven't learned from their mistakes as the humor here is the same from "Date Movie." All they care about is the money, even if they are repeating the same unfunny jokes in every minute. They don't even bother to spoof "epic movies," and just randomly selected movies that came out last year. I don't remember "Nacho Libre" being so epic. Perhaps the best reward that comes out of seeing "Epic Movie" is that the running time is short. It says 86 minutes, but the credits run for a good twenty minutes, making this the quickest bit of torture anybody will ever have to endure. Note to Friedberg and Seltzer, please stop making these. I don't think I have the stomach to sit through more of your horror shows, even if I didn't contribute a dime to you. I'll be writing about this one at the end of the year, and not in favor of it.